Crime & Safety

Viagra Plus Metal Ring Equals Agony

Laguna Beach police recount a sexual adventure gone very awry. Warning: graphic content.

Patch is all about public service, so when one of our fans came up to us in and asked if we heard about the guy who got a ring stuck on an appendage other than his finger, we knew we had to expose the whole story.

After shooting a quick email to Capt. Jason Kravetz of the , we had the details.

Warning: cringe-worthy sentences ahead.

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So ... last Saturday afternoon on the 400 block of Hill Street, a Laguna Beach cop was flagged down by a couple who were worried about a man they spotted sitting alone in his car with the windows rolled up—not too smart during the summer months, and apparently the gent had been parked there since the night before, when the couple heard groaning coming from the car. Now the couple thought the dude was dead.

But no, the guy was alive, just drenched in sweat and white as a sheet. He had passed in and out of consciousness and was severely dehydrated. The cop asked him to step out of the car and stand … but he was reluctant because of an ice bag pressed against his crotch. Aaaaaand probably because he was a tad embarrassed.

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Why did he have a bag of ice on his crotch? Mmmm … probably because of the 2-inch diameter metal ring slowly strangling his John Thomas.

Apparently, such rings are used to enhance erections. But here's what you don't do with such a ring: You don't put it on and then swallow a type of "Superman" Viagra performance enhancer, which is what this guy did ... three days earlier. Yup—the dude was in pain for three straight days. 

In other words, Beyonce was wrong ... if he liked it, then he should NOT have put a ring on it.

Eventually, the Fire Department was called in—your tax dollars at work!—and the firemen told him if the tourniquet-like ring wasn't removed ASAP, then his manhood was in serious jeopardy. The idea of draining some blood to reduce the swelling was proposed, but once the man realized it involved a needle, he suddenly found new inspiration to remove the ring on his own. Soon, someone handed him some K-Y jelly—which should've been the first thing he thought of—and the ring was slipped off. He then drove himself to a hospital.


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