CSI: Laguna Beach—The Boy With the Swastika Tattoo!

Wednesday, Jan. 18:

3:08 p.m. A citizen calls for assistance just outside the downtown. Apparently she bit into some sugar-free taffy and her tooth popped out. Alas, she didn't know it popped out when she tossed the offending taffy in the garbage, and now the city's public works department has to come and open the bin up. Was it a gold crown or something? We don't know, but it should be ...

Friday, Jan. 20:

6:25 p.m. Some dude's Honda has run out of fuel in the 2900 block of S. Coast Hwy., so he's calling the cops and demanding they give him gratis gas since "the police protect and serve, and that should be part of the service."

Saturday, Jan. 21:

12:15 a.m. In the 400 block of N. Coast Hwy., somebody, perhaps the female caller's ex, super-glued both her garage and front doors shut, and now she can't get inside. So apparently that goop really works ...

Sunday, Jan. 22:

12:04 a.m. A case of sexual battery at the Mmm ... not quite. But that's what the woman calling says. Seems that she had left the MarBar, returned, and was trying to get her purse, but for whatever reason, she was being refused re-entry. Annoyed, the woman then claims the employee at the front door sexually assaulted her by "touch(ing) her inside her clothing on her vagina." The cops come, where they eventually find out there was no assault, and that the woman "only said that to get officers to the location faster."

11:43 a.m. Someone at actually calls 911 to report seeing a guy with a swastika tattoo on his chest. Unfortunately, blatant acts of douchebaggery—as perpetrated by both the Nazi and the caller—aren't illegal ...

4:16 p.m. Busy day today—false crimes, Nazis, and now, sweaty, chanting, peeing dudes! That's the party going on over in Bluebird Canyon, anyway, where it's reported that some 25 guys are in a house and gathered in a large circle, holding arms, chanting, and participating in a Native American sweat lodge ceremony, in a real sweat lodge on the property. And the funny thing is, nobody would have known this if one of the perspiring gents hadn't stepped outside and whizzed on some bushes. The LBPD came out and found the secretive sprinkler, who said it will not happen again.

8:04 p.m. Say what you will about the folks working in the , but they do, occasionally, show a wry sense of humor. How else to explain this report of two raccoons fighting over on Coast View Drive: "Both suspects appear to have sustained two black eyes, but neither desired prosecution. They left the scene on foot without further assistance."