CSI: Laguna Beach - Topless Women! Killer Kitties! Sex On the Beach!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 13

6:40 p.m. Strange … This woman was at , see, where she met these two guys who needed a ride, so she gave them one in her fine yellow Porsche. Being a very, very nice person (possibly a very nice drunk one, too?), she let one of her new male friends drive the Porsche, because he was too tall to fit in the back seat. Ain’t that sweet? So then, this trio of new BFFs arrive at , they get out of the car … and the two gents hop back in and drive off. Cops arrive, people are chatted up, and it turns out that the boys left the Porsche at the St. Regis. No car theft, no worries, apparently no arrests. See? Strange. 

7:24 p.m. Code violation at ! Seems a photographer is taking pics of a topless woman—woo-hoo!—though we don’t know which rule this is breaking, the one about publicly exposed boobage, or the one about how you need to have a city permit for pro photo shoots, but whatevs. The person calling this in expresses concern because there are kids in the area, which tragically means the young’uns will be cheated out of an awesome playground story once school starts up again.

FRIDAY, JULY 15

1:34 a.m. Fun couple No. 1: In this week’s episode of As the Laguna Beach World Turns, a woman phones in to report that her ex-boyfriend is with another girl, and that he’s a sex offender. Enter the dude’s parole officer, who says the new female he’s with 1) is not in danger, 2) isn’t underage, and 3) isn’t being held against her will. So, no case. Turns out the first woman is primarily calling the cops because she wants them to warn the girl that her new beau is a liar-liar-pants-on-fire ...

1:48 p.m. ... But she’s not done yet! The woman calls back 14 minutes later and tells the cops where her ex is—y’know, as if he’s actually done something wrong. She knows where he is because she’s calling right now from outside the house they once shared, where she’s knocking out a screen, getting palm prints on the windows, and generally trying to force her way inside because the guy had (smartly) barricaded the door. The cops show up at the address near the toll road, but Ms. Stalker appears to have vanished. The officers speak with her ex, though, and tell him he really needs to 1) get her name taken off the apartment lease, and 2) get a restraining order.

SUNDAY, JULY 17

7:46 a.m. Theft in the Glenneyre parking garage, as both the upper and lower pay stations have been busted into during the night, with the crook (or crooks) getting away with a total of $690.45. They should have just taken the machines, which are worth $12,000 apiece. Burglary FAIL.

11:07 a.m. Fun couple No. 2: A man calls in to report that his girlfriend just pushed him for … wait for it … taking the laundry out of the dryer.

TUESDAY, JULY 19

2:35 p.m. At the , a man is yelling obscenities and “acting weird”—and by “weird,” the person phoning in means “taking off his shirt and jiggling his belly in front of the kids.”

2:52 p.m. A woman on the phone sounds upset. She tells the 911 dispatcher that someone on the phone just now made her angry. So angry that she slammed the phone down, and—clearly tired of the years of abuse and fearing for its technological life—the phone dialed 911 by itself.

SATURDAY, JULY 23

10:13 p.m. At , there’s a big bonfire going on and people are having sex on the beach, and why doesn’t anybody ever invite Laguna Beach Patch to these things? A half-hour later, both the literal and carnal flames are extinguished, and the revelers return home.

MONDAY, JULY 25

11:54 a.m. At , a caller is given a shocking crash course on the laws of nature after witnessing two mockingbirds being pulled out of a tree by a hungry cat, a feline that clearly hasn’t yet learned how to order at the . But rejoice, bird-lovers, you’ll inevitably have your vengeance on this murderous tabby—after all, this is coyote territory. Bwah-ha-haaa!