CSI: Laguna Beach—A Blood-Soaked Zombie Apocalypse! Yes, Really!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27:

8:13 a.m. A woman on Wesley Drive rings up 911 because her toilet is overflowing. Really.

Time undetermined. A report of a disturbance near the corner of Coast Highway and Cress, as a male is bothering two females by slapping at least one of them on her backside. The person reporting doesn’t want to prosecute, but what we want to know is ... is he related to Orlando Hudson? 

FRIDAY, APRIL 29:

4:08 p.m. The ravenous undead invade Laguna! At the Broadway bus depot, a group of citizens and transients—perhaps living, but perhaps zombies—are yelling at maintenance workers who have shut down the restroom and are attempting to clean it because there was “blood all over the place.” One of the workers is apparently so freaked that he locks himself inside till things calm down. The restroom! So that’s where they engorge themselves ... on BRAAAAAAAINS!

SATURDAY, APRIL 30:

1:29 a.m. About 10 to 12 people are near the end of Goff Beach on the rocks, and by “on the rocks,” we don’t mean some coded phrase for “very, very drunk,” even though they are, according to the person calling this in who’s worried they may endanger themselves. By the time cops arrive, the party has dispersed. Or ... has it been washed away in a wave of daiquiris?

7:39 a.m. Someone calls in to complain about somebody smoking at the Coast Highway . But if they’re eating fast food at 7:39 in the morning, then smoking is probably the least troublesome of their health issues.

SUNDAY, MAY 1:

10:58 a.m. A branch fell off a tree on Coast Highway and landed on top of a vehicle, which sustained dents and scratches to the roof and hood as well as a smashed windshield. In a knee-jerk response, some area residents immediately blame downhill skateboarders, which makes perfect sense because skateboarders also invented slavery, sank the Titanic, kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, killed JFK and caused 9/11.

MONDAY, MAY 2:

12:59 p.m. Someone on Third Street has been spotted swigging openly from a malt liquor can! But cans come in all sizes and colors these days, and it turns out it’s just a Rockstar—a.k.a. “the fuel that runs Laguna Beach Patch.” And anyway, if Rockstar was malt liquor, we’d be plastered 24/7. As if we’re not already!